With a few edits and touch-ups this morning, my term paper is finally complete. I really can't express how relieving that is. So now, I'm going to take a bit of time to write here before i get back to the rest of my homework.
If you read my last post (well... last two, since they were basically one) you can see that I've been a little discouraged. Ok, a lot. So, let me update everyone on this. Yesterday might have been the worst of it (didn't help that I had a splitting headache). There wasn't anything in particular that happened yesterday that would have worsened it, it was just cumulative I guess. Anyways, I just sort of vegged out in front of the TV last night and stopped caring about reality for a while. I will finish out this thought by saying that today is much better. The roller coaster is clearly going back up.
I'm pretty excited for March Madness... anyone else? GO STATE!
I'm tired of being in this state of not belonging anywhere. It's really bizarre, and I don't like it. I have friends all over the world, but I don't feel at home anywhere. Well, I feel at home at camp, but that only consumes 3 months of my life and then its back to being homeless. I see people having real community and I long for it, but it always seems just outside of my grasp. I don't even have a hometown to go back to and visit it seems. The actual place is still there, but practically none of the people i knew remain there.
Community... its just one of those things to add to the list of "later". It'll happen later in life when I'm established. really?
I get the feeling that its like tithing... in the sense that if I don't get in the habit of it NOW, it's delusional to think that I will later in life "when I'm established". like I'll ever be "established" anyway... lets face it.
I'm a little curious if my splitting headache yesterday was related to the fact that I didn't have any coffee all day... In which case I should probably detox
who knows... it could have been completely non-related.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
A Clarification
Let me clarify my previous blog post (so please read this in conjunction with the next one).
When I speak of passion, I am talking about my Africa passion. The actions, or lack there of, of the church have only made me more passionate about other things.
I very excited about what the future holds, and I know the church will do great things.
Recent experiences, such as serving at the boiler room, have been incredibly inspiring.
I want everyone to know that I am not giving up on "the church", but rather, I seek to help it where it has fallen.
My frustration yesterday comes from my Africa passion being sucked out of me by the apathy around me. I want to be passionate and on fire to help these people, but I've lost it and I need a jump start.
Peace and Love
When I speak of passion, I am talking about my Africa passion. The actions, or lack there of, of the church have only made me more passionate about other things.
I very excited about what the future holds, and I know the church will do great things.
Recent experiences, such as serving at the boiler room, have been incredibly inspiring.
I want everyone to know that I am not giving up on "the church", but rather, I seek to help it where it has fallen.
My frustration yesterday comes from my Africa passion being sucked out of me by the apathy around me. I want to be passionate and on fire to help these people, but I've lost it and I need a jump start.
Peace and Love
Friday, February 27, 2009
Fears Coming Alive
I'm having a hard time getting my mind to focus back on homework again after I had to take a break and go to an appointment. So, I figured I would do this for a bit.
What I have feared most about coming back to America is indeed happening. I knew it would, yet I tried and tried to fight it. I'm losing the passion. I find myself buried in a stack of school books as I watch the passion for my new love drain away. It's so easy, it seems, to ease back into that state of apathy from which I came.
I knew why it would happen too, and yet there was nothing I could do about it. You see, apathy is contagious. It's a nasty virus that runs rampant in America, and I knew that I would catch it when I got back.
I even knew where I would catch it. Most people avoid a place if they know it contains a disease, but lets face it, I can't avoid the church; and I shouldn't.
The church...
After reading about the church in the Bible, it's the last place I would expect to find such a disease, but sadly it triumphs uncontrolled in the American church.
I am so frustrated by the Bureaucracy of the churches I am trying to work with. I am growing increasingly impatient of the system. The system is where good ideas go to die. I still have hope, but realistically, I am quite aware that my passionate plans will likely not make it out alive.
Before you think that I hate the church let me clarify. I am frustrated with the church to be sure. Never-the-less, the church is my mother, and God is still moving through it. I love the church and without it I would not be here.
That is all for now.
What I have feared most about coming back to America is indeed happening. I knew it would, yet I tried and tried to fight it. I'm losing the passion. I find myself buried in a stack of school books as I watch the passion for my new love drain away. It's so easy, it seems, to ease back into that state of apathy from which I came.
I knew why it would happen too, and yet there was nothing I could do about it. You see, apathy is contagious. It's a nasty virus that runs rampant in America, and I knew that I would catch it when I got back.
I even knew where I would catch it. Most people avoid a place if they know it contains a disease, but lets face it, I can't avoid the church; and I shouldn't.
The church...
After reading about the church in the Bible, it's the last place I would expect to find such a disease, but sadly it triumphs uncontrolled in the American church.
I am so frustrated by the Bureaucracy of the churches I am trying to work with. I am growing increasingly impatient of the system. The system is where good ideas go to die. I still have hope, but realistically, I am quite aware that my passionate plans will likely not make it out alive.
Before you think that I hate the church let me clarify. I am frustrated with the church to be sure. Never-the-less, the church is my mother, and God is still moving through it. I love the church and without it I would not be here.
That is all for now.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
craziness and president bashing...
Its been a while since I've posted something so I figured it was time. Then I will go into my cave of homework ne'er to return. dun-dun-dun
I did not have an original topic in mind, so this is just free flowing thoughts.
I have been rather swamped this semester, its a little crazy. It has been nice to get some positive feedback on my work recently. At least I know I'm going in the right direction with my school work. It is sad to me though that I do not have time as of late to do things that are important to me. I haven't been able to spend as much time with my small group as I want. I also feel like there are friends that are slipping away further and further into oblivion, but I am too busy to do anything about it.
I have this problem where I constantly feel that school gets in the way of life. I want to be out there doing the things I am studying. I sit on my couch studying evangelism, but I'm not doing it. I study what a church should look like, but I'm just sitting on the sidelines and not getting my hands dirty in becoming what the church should look like. I get frustrated because I am an incredibly impatient person. I want it to happen now. but then I am constrained by the system, so it can't happen now. Nothing happens now, even if it needs to.
I get sick of waiting on the system. Doesn't anyone get a sense of urgency about anything anymore?
I have mentioned this before, but lets be real. Like him or not, don't bash the president. I myself am guilty of this from time to time, but insulting someone is clearly a sin (rebuking out of love is not a sin, but president bashing doesn't qualify here). On top of that, we are to respect our authority. We should even be praying for him. Honestly, I look around and see professing Christians outright insulting Obama left and right. It almost makes me sick to my stomach. My Jesus doesn't do that, so neither will I, and if I do I hope that you will rebuke me.
It is certainly OK to question authority... in fact, I encourage it. Blindly following authority is stupid. Question everything! but, questioning authority does not mean insulting authority.
I may get flack for this one, but, just because someone is pro-choice does not mean they are a baby-killer, nor does it give you the right to call them one.
I won't even go into the homosexual-marriage debate, lest I get burned at the stake.
and before I get burned at the stake anyway because of what I have implied... I'm not pro-abortion and I'm not pro-gay-marriage.
I do know though, that Jesus loves gay people, and he also loves doctors who perform abortions.
ok, I've strayed off my original topic, to recap... disagree with him if you want, but don't bash the prez.
Ok, I need sleep so I can get up and do homework :-)
I did not have an original topic in mind, so this is just free flowing thoughts.
I have been rather swamped this semester, its a little crazy. It has been nice to get some positive feedback on my work recently. At least I know I'm going in the right direction with my school work. It is sad to me though that I do not have time as of late to do things that are important to me. I haven't been able to spend as much time with my small group as I want. I also feel like there are friends that are slipping away further and further into oblivion, but I am too busy to do anything about it.
I have this problem where I constantly feel that school gets in the way of life. I want to be out there doing the things I am studying. I sit on my couch studying evangelism, but I'm not doing it. I study what a church should look like, but I'm just sitting on the sidelines and not getting my hands dirty in becoming what the church should look like. I get frustrated because I am an incredibly impatient person. I want it to happen now. but then I am constrained by the system, so it can't happen now. Nothing happens now, even if it needs to.
I get sick of waiting on the system. Doesn't anyone get a sense of urgency about anything anymore?
I have mentioned this before, but lets be real. Like him or not, don't bash the president. I myself am guilty of this from time to time, but insulting someone is clearly a sin (rebuking out of love is not a sin, but president bashing doesn't qualify here). On top of that, we are to respect our authority. We should even be praying for him. Honestly, I look around and see professing Christians outright insulting Obama left and right. It almost makes me sick to my stomach. My Jesus doesn't do that, so neither will I, and if I do I hope that you will rebuke me.
It is certainly OK to question authority... in fact, I encourage it. Blindly following authority is stupid. Question everything! but, questioning authority does not mean insulting authority.
I may get flack for this one, but, just because someone is pro-choice does not mean they are a baby-killer, nor does it give you the right to call them one.
I won't even go into the homosexual-marriage debate, lest I get burned at the stake.
and before I get burned at the stake anyway because of what I have implied... I'm not pro-abortion and I'm not pro-gay-marriage.
I do know though, that Jesus loves gay people, and he also loves doctors who perform abortions.
ok, I've strayed off my original topic, to recap... disagree with him if you want, but don't bash the prez.
Ok, I need sleep so I can get up and do homework :-)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Looking behind the curtain...
And... we're back.
I'm sitting here in a coffee shop, wondering where I'm going.
Have you ever thought about why you exist?
I'm not talking about why "we" exist... as humans (I don't really like philosophy)
why do I exist as an individual? I believe that everyone exists for a reason. So, out of 6 billion reasons, what's mine?
I have come to terms with the fact that I may never know. But that doesn't mean that I stop wondering. I never stop wondering.
After coming back to America I find myself wondering, why was I blessed by being born in America? Why am I in that 5% of the worlds population? Why do they say I am blessed to live in America? Have we confused the difference between a blessing and a curse? I find myself a slave. I am a slave to the American dream. As much as I say I don't want the American dream, I can't take the chains off. Excuse my language, but the American dream sucks. It sucks the life out of you and it sucks the joy out of you.
I feel like a dog on a chain. Have you ever seen a dog take off after something forgetting that he was on a chain? Then you see the dog stop in mid-stride as he discovers he's tied up. I keep trying to run away from this way of life, but I try and then remember I can't. I have all of these contracts and obligations that keep me from the world outside my dog pen.
In the meantime, we do what we can to glorify God in our current circumstances. Someday I'll be free from my chain and I'll leave the dog pen, but as it turns out, there's plenty of things to do inside the pen for now. That doesn't mean, though, that I don't despise these chains.
I'm still trying to process my trip... and to be honest it's going to take a long time. Here are some random thoughts:
I will never understand how so much communication was possible between me and the street kids. Sometimes when I think about it, I forget that I didn't speak their language.
I saw joy in those kids that I rarely get the chance to witness. Someone jokingly said, "you mean they were joyful and they didn't have a Wii?!?". I can't say this more plainly, I witnessed joy in some of those boys that I have never witnessed in any child that owned a Wii. And yet, some people still have the mindset that joy is found in possessions.
Everyone should leave the country at least once in their life (sorry, Canada doesn't count). Actually, I think everyone should spend time in a 3rd world country at least once (ok, Mexico is acceptable and it's a 2nd world country... but going further away is cooler).
When I experience another culture again, I will plan to stay longer; like a semester, or a year.
So, I have thoughts about the inauguration, but this post is long enough, I'll save it.
-Peace
I'm sitting here in a coffee shop, wondering where I'm going.
Have you ever thought about why you exist?
I'm not talking about why "we" exist... as humans (I don't really like philosophy)
why do I exist as an individual? I believe that everyone exists for a reason. So, out of 6 billion reasons, what's mine?
I have come to terms with the fact that I may never know. But that doesn't mean that I stop wondering. I never stop wondering.
After coming back to America I find myself wondering, why was I blessed by being born in America? Why am I in that 5% of the worlds population? Why do they say I am blessed to live in America? Have we confused the difference between a blessing and a curse? I find myself a slave. I am a slave to the American dream. As much as I say I don't want the American dream, I can't take the chains off. Excuse my language, but the American dream sucks. It sucks the life out of you and it sucks the joy out of you.
I feel like a dog on a chain. Have you ever seen a dog take off after something forgetting that he was on a chain? Then you see the dog stop in mid-stride as he discovers he's tied up. I keep trying to run away from this way of life, but I try and then remember I can't. I have all of these contracts and obligations that keep me from the world outside my dog pen.
In the meantime, we do what we can to glorify God in our current circumstances. Someday I'll be free from my chain and I'll leave the dog pen, but as it turns out, there's plenty of things to do inside the pen for now. That doesn't mean, though, that I don't despise these chains.
I'm still trying to process my trip... and to be honest it's going to take a long time. Here are some random thoughts:
I will never understand how so much communication was possible between me and the street kids. Sometimes when I think about it, I forget that I didn't speak their language.
I saw joy in those kids that I rarely get the chance to witness. Someone jokingly said, "you mean they were joyful and they didn't have a Wii?!?". I can't say this more plainly, I witnessed joy in some of those boys that I have never witnessed in any child that owned a Wii. And yet, some people still have the mindset that joy is found in possessions.
Everyone should leave the country at least once in their life (sorry, Canada doesn't count). Actually, I think everyone should spend time in a 3rd world country at least once (ok, Mexico is acceptable and it's a 2nd world country... but going further away is cooler).
When I experience another culture again, I will plan to stay longer; like a semester, or a year.
So, I have thoughts about the inauguration, but this post is long enough, I'll save it.
-Peace
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Abundance and Trust
Unless I get bored between now and Thursday, this will most likely be my last post on here before I leave. If I haven't already planned to meet with you before I go, than chances are I won't have time to. Not trying to be mean, it's just the reality of it. This last week is going to be crazy.
I just have some random thoughts that I wanted to write down before I forgot them... chances are I forgot some of them already anyway.
My friend Alissa wrote a blog about living an abundant life. I wanted to touch on that. The other day I was writing in a journal. Unlike when I write in here, my thoughts were raw, they were flowing onto the paper as I was thinking them. So, by the time I had gotten to the end of the entry, I had changed my mindset (this is why I like writing my thoughts down). The summary of my realization has a lot to do with this morning's sermon. I keep making plans; even though i know that God has something else, I keep making them. I keep planning how I will serve the Lord in the future... in fact, I was spending almost all of my time planning how I was going to serve Him. In a sense, I kept saying later, later, later. God kept saying now, now, now. A few days ago it hit me like someone threw a brick at me. At that point I decided to make it a priority in my life to live like Jesus NOW, not tomorrow.
Let me share with you my first experience in this adventure. After making this decision, I realized that I didn't really know what it was going to look like. That's the beauty of it I suppose. So I did the first thing that came to mind. I bought a poinsettia and gave it to a man in a retirement home. We proceeded to have a 2 hour long conversation (He was deaf, so it was more of a monologue). It was amazing. I was so uncomfortable, but at the same time it was sooo cool.
Jesus said, I have come so that you may have life and have it more abundantly. I'm pretty sure that this is what He meant by "more abundantly". unfortunately, People who preach the prosperity gospel will teach you that, by "abundantly", He meant for us to be healthy and financially secure (when I hear the word abundant, I think of money first, that comes naturally). I submit that what He was going for was more of the opposite. Whenever I give of my Time/money/other resources, I feel alive. whenever I endanger myself for the cause of Jesus, I feel more alive than ever (whether that be endangering my financial security, my health, or maybe even a relationship). Living like Jesus might just mean being crazy like Jesus was. This takes trust though, which happens to be my next topic.
Trust is something you could write books about and not be able to fully explain it, so let me sum it up in a sentence.
Trusting in God is being willing to put yourself out on the line and endanger yourself while knowing that He will provide for your every need (not your every want).
A daunting task to be sure, but every time I dip my toes in and try it, I feel more alive than ever.
Right now, what this looks like in my life is easier to pinpoint than usual. One of the reasons that all of this is on my mind is because of the Goliath that stands in front of me (so-to-speak). I am leaving for Africa in T minus 4 days. Exciting to be sure, except I still need another $500 before i can go. I'm at the end of the rope. It would be lying to say that I'm not worried. Yet, I trust that it is in God's hands. God is the maker of all things... what is $500 to Him?
If you wouldn't mind praying for me though, now would be the time.
Well, that was only my first thought... haha. So, I guess I'll just leave you with that. I encourage you to watch the video (seen below). I saw that it was shown at Lifeline tonight (thanks Alissa). I knew about this last year too and I think it's amazing, so check it out.
I just have some random thoughts that I wanted to write down before I forgot them... chances are I forgot some of them already anyway.
My friend Alissa wrote a blog about living an abundant life. I wanted to touch on that. The other day I was writing in a journal. Unlike when I write in here, my thoughts were raw, they were flowing onto the paper as I was thinking them. So, by the time I had gotten to the end of the entry, I had changed my mindset (this is why I like writing my thoughts down). The summary of my realization has a lot to do with this morning's sermon. I keep making plans; even though i know that God has something else, I keep making them. I keep planning how I will serve the Lord in the future... in fact, I was spending almost all of my time planning how I was going to serve Him. In a sense, I kept saying later, later, later. God kept saying now, now, now. A few days ago it hit me like someone threw a brick at me. At that point I decided to make it a priority in my life to live like Jesus NOW, not tomorrow.
Let me share with you my first experience in this adventure. After making this decision, I realized that I didn't really know what it was going to look like. That's the beauty of it I suppose. So I did the first thing that came to mind. I bought a poinsettia and gave it to a man in a retirement home. We proceeded to have a 2 hour long conversation (He was deaf, so it was more of a monologue). It was amazing. I was so uncomfortable, but at the same time it was sooo cool.
Jesus said, I have come so that you may have life and have it more abundantly. I'm pretty sure that this is what He meant by "more abundantly". unfortunately, People who preach the prosperity gospel will teach you that, by "abundantly", He meant for us to be healthy and financially secure (when I hear the word abundant, I think of money first, that comes naturally). I submit that what He was going for was more of the opposite. Whenever I give of my Time/money/other resources, I feel alive. whenever I endanger myself for the cause of Jesus, I feel more alive than ever (whether that be endangering my financial security, my health, or maybe even a relationship). Living like Jesus might just mean being crazy like Jesus was. This takes trust though, which happens to be my next topic.
Trust is something you could write books about and not be able to fully explain it, so let me sum it up in a sentence.
Trusting in God is being willing to put yourself out on the line and endanger yourself while knowing that He will provide for your every need (not your every want).
A daunting task to be sure, but every time I dip my toes in and try it, I feel more alive than ever.
Right now, what this looks like in my life is easier to pinpoint than usual. One of the reasons that all of this is on my mind is because of the Goliath that stands in front of me (so-to-speak). I am leaving for Africa in T minus 4 days. Exciting to be sure, except I still need another $500 before i can go. I'm at the end of the rope. It would be lying to say that I'm not worried. Yet, I trust that it is in God's hands. God is the maker of all things... what is $500 to Him?
If you wouldn't mind praying for me though, now would be the time.
Well, that was only my first thought... haha. So, I guess I'll just leave you with that. I encourage you to watch the video (seen below). I saw that it was shown at Lifeline tonight (thanks Alissa). I knew about this last year too and I think it's amazing, so check it out.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I choose joy.
It seems like everything in life is bad news. I mean, there is the occasional good moment, where something goes right, but it is rare.
I'm always curious as to which force is at work. When I get bad news, it is because God is trying to tell me that I'm not doing what He wants me to do... or is it because I'm not doing what Satan wants, so he is fighting back. How do we know which it is? How do we know who is closing the doors?
The natural human response to bad news is to get depressed, angry, or to give up. I am not perfect, but I am learning how to find joy in the bad news of life. If I'm fighting against Satan, than joy (through Christ) is my best weapon. Satan is trying to get us to lose sight of joy. So when I am reminded that I don't have enough money for my trip, I respond by saying that God must have something special in mind. If it is God who wants me to do something different, than I think joy will help me find it.
The Bible says to choose joy in all things. That's what I like about joy, it's a choice. When trials come our way we have a choice to make. We can choose depression, we can choose anger, or... we can choose joy. The choice seems obvious to me. unfortunately, the other two are so much easier to choose... It's human nature.
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on the right of the page there is a facebook thing, so if you want you can follow the blog on facebook (if it works...). you just have to click on the link over there. no promises.
I'm always curious as to which force is at work. When I get bad news, it is because God is trying to tell me that I'm not doing what He wants me to do... or is it because I'm not doing what Satan wants, so he is fighting back. How do we know which it is? How do we know who is closing the doors?
The natural human response to bad news is to get depressed, angry, or to give up. I am not perfect, but I am learning how to find joy in the bad news of life. If I'm fighting against Satan, than joy (through Christ) is my best weapon. Satan is trying to get us to lose sight of joy. So when I am reminded that I don't have enough money for my trip, I respond by saying that God must have something special in mind. If it is God who wants me to do something different, than I think joy will help me find it.
The Bible says to choose joy in all things. That's what I like about joy, it's a choice. When trials come our way we have a choice to make. We can choose depression, we can choose anger, or... we can choose joy. The choice seems obvious to me. unfortunately, the other two are so much easier to choose... It's human nature.
-->
on the right of the page there is a facebook thing, so if you want you can follow the blog on facebook (if it works...). you just have to click on the link over there. no promises.
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