Seasons

Seasons come and seasons go.  As I look outside and see that my beloved summer is just a memory, I remember that It's also a hope.  The changing of seasons is a constant.  The one that is here now will be gone in 3 months.  That's encouraging to hear now and a depressing thought in June.  Some of you may disagree, and I won't judge you; in fact, I've learned to appreciate winter. 

Change isn't unique to the weather.  I like to use the word "seasons" to refer to different periods of time in my life and the circumstances God has placed me in.  I did "this" for a season, or I was "there" for a season.  The perspective this gives me is both terrifying and hopeful.  If I say that this part of my life is a season of life, then I'm suggesting that my circumstances will change at some point.  Whether life is great or full of tribulation, change is coming.  Change is terrifying and hopeful.  When you lay your life down to follow Jesus, allowing yourself to be led by the spirit, change is sure. 

It seems fitting that the season outside is changing as I ponder the changing season in my life.  A few months ago the Spirit's direction was clear that a move was coming.  I began a grieving process as I said goodbye to a season of life.  It was time to jump in to the ministry in Muskegon with both feet.  That's a nervous prospect.  I've never sold a house before, and I would be moving away from most of my friends.  Could this be a new season of learning to be alone? or a season of new found friendships?  Time will tell, but I know that whatever the season, it's the one God has in store for me. 

8 years ago I left Muskegon excited to never live there again.  In one week I move my things back to the very place I despised,  and I'm excited?  It's true.  God has given me a love for this place.  Oh, how it needs Jesus.  I need Jesus too.  Everyday.  We have a new found commonality, and If that's all we have in common, then that's enough.  

This is my farewell to a city I will always love.  Grand Rapids, it's been real.  

A change in vision: Love God

Hello friends! 

As you may know, I live in downtown Grand Rapids.  Let me start with a recap of that experience.  2 years ago I felt very strongly that the Lord was calling me to move into the heart of the city.  I wanted the house to be a ministry that loved the neighborhood and loved on the neighborhood and spoke the truth of Jesus Christ in the neighborhood.  I decided to purchase a house because it made more sense than renting.  As soon as I walked in the door of my house for the first time I knew that it was the house God had for this.  It just felt right.  We prayed over it and I moved in.  And then... it was tough, it was hard, it was discouraging, it was lonely.  Have you ever been lonely in a group of people?  At times I felt alone in my vision.  People came and went through my house and I was always in good company, but only 1 other person was ever pumped about reaching the neighborhood, and neither of us are gifted at initiating contact with people.   There were pieces of the puzzle that God never provided.  And it was seemingly unfruitful.  And it was discouraging.  

As I sit here and look back on the last 2 years I have begun to see that I was looking for fruit in the wrong place.  That, all the while, God was using the house to help the 9 different people that have lived there, including myself, and many people that walked through the door.   I can't speak for the others, but God used the house to change me, to challenge me, to stretch me, and to teach me not to idolize "ministry".  Ministry is not the goal, loving God with all your heart is the goal; ministry is an outpouring of that love.  He taught me the hard way that idolizing ministry will leave you feeling defeated when it doesn't work the way you had planned.  But when we love God with all our heart, then all our hope is in Christ and Him alone.  If all of our joy is in Christ, then we won't have any less joy when things (even ministry) don't go as planned.  In fact, Romans 5 says that because of this we can rejoice in our sufferings because they produce perseverance. 

Then... God led me to a youth pastor position in Muskegon.  As I got more and more involved in Muskegon I began to really question why God had me move into Grand Rapids in the first place.  It was, as it seemed, a short unfruitful ministry that I was abandoning.  Then He tells me things like "it's okay, trust me. it's not your ministry, it's my ministry.  It's bigger than you. You need to let go."  I don't know what God's going to do through that house, but I know he's going to do great things and I'm not going to be there for it, and I'm okay with that.  I've let go.  I'm in a transition period where I'm praying and seeking the Lord's direction, but I am exploring the possibility of moving to Muskegon.   I spent a couple of weeks actually mourning the decision until I was able to detach myself from my house and my vision for it, in order to realign myself with God's vision.  I think it's really important to be in the same community as the church you're involved in.  There are a lot of pieces that I am trusting God to put into place here, so I greatly covet your prayers.  

Unexpected

As I sat here in this dimly lit coffee shop, drowning out the chatter of students slaving over their textbooks with music from my over-sized phone, I began to zone out into a world of introspection.  How did I get to this place?  Not this coffee shop overrun with hipsters, but this place in life.  (As a side note, I came here recently and someone was actually typing on a typewriter.  This place is the real deal.  If you find yourself in a heated game of hipster bingo, this is your treasure trove.  It’s like a small exclave of Easttown.  Nevertheless, when Tim Horton’s opened up a hop skip and a jump away, The Bitter End’s position at the top of my favorite GR coffee shops list was conquered. For now, Redolencia holds the top spot in the state) I often get lost in thought about God’s plans and how different they've always been from my own.  If you jumped into a time machine and journeyed back in time, stopping at various points to tell me what I’m doing in 2012, I would have laughed at you, or if I believed you I would have been quite grieved.  The further you go back the more concerned I would be.  As a senior in high school I planned to be a veterinarian by now, married with kids.  None of these things are true, but I’m pretty happy about that.  The place that I’m at now wasn't even the plan a month ago.  God blindsided me with a youth pastor position.  Like a T-bone collision of divine planning just weeks after I decided on a starkly different path.  I’ve evolved into a creature that thrives when the creator leads me to the unexpected.  As I sit here in the unexpected, I look back over the fence into the expected, like a second timeline of Nate’s life, and it looks pretty dull.

Solitude

As I look at my blog I realize that it’s been a very long time since I've written anything here.  A lot has changed since then, but I wont take the time and space to catch everyone up, because if you read this blog you probably know what I've been up to.  If not, then just ask. 

As I type this I am sitting in a coffee shop.  One of the things I crave is solitude.  It’s a hard thing to come by living in a house full of people.  I've come to love going to the cheap theater by myself.  I used to see people alone at the movies and I felt bad for them; that was before I tried it and realized how enjoyable it was.  Not long ago I got to spend 24 hours at a cabin by myself.  I read a lot, prayed a lot, and slept a lot, and it was absolutely wonderful.  It allowed me to deal with a lot that I needed to deal with, but it wasn't a one time fix, I need more.  My emotions have been very difficult to deal with in the past couple months.  The cause is a combination of many things including relationships, financial instability, and an unfruitful ministry.  The truth is that I need God desperately, and I feel closer to him when I am by myself.  God has revealed to me part of his plan for my future and I am very excited about that, but it has come out of a season of relentless discouragement.  Even after being given this vision, I am still extremely discouraged and stressed.  I really struggle with things in my mind.  I struggle with inadequacy.  I feel inadequate to do ministry; inadequate to provide for myself financially; inadequate to be a good role model; inadequate to be a good friend.  I know that it’s lies from the pit, but it is so hard not to believe them.  God I need you in my life so desperately.  

When The Going Gets Tough

If your only glimpse into my life has been this blog, then you probably thought I fell off the earth for a few months. Sorry about that. From a blogging perspective my life just hasn't been that interesting. It's been fairly interesting to live it, but it wouldn't be that interesting to read about it. I guess that's mostly because I like to write about good news and exciting things that happen in my life, and those have been few and far between.

I don't know if anyone reads this thing, but it doesn't really matter. I just need to write. I've been so discouraged by countless things in the past few months. I try to seek out the positive and hang on for dear life, but sometimes I start to lose my grip. As a discipline in my life I thank God for the day and for his immeasurable grace in my life every time I pray. Knowing that every day is a blessing and that I don't deserve to live another minute (but still do) helps me get through the day. It seems like I work so hard at something and get nowhere, which makes me question whether what I'm doing is even worth it. I know it's a lie that the devil tells me; but that doesn't make it any less discouraging. I know deep down that the time I have invested in the Lord's kingdom work will not have been in vain. I long for those days when I get to see the truth behind that. In some cases I may never see it, and I must be satisfied with just the faith I made a difference. When I do see it it means the world to me. A couple weeks ago I had a camper (whom I've been praying for these 6 years) reconnect with me and tell me that I impacted his life. It's those moments that bring the most joy. Sometimes I ask myself, would I do it even if I knew those moments weren't coming? Would I continue the work if it was made known to me that I would never know the result of my toil? I hope so. Why? Because the true reward is on the other side. When I see Jesus face-to-face it wont matter a bit if I got to witness my own fruitfulness. Nevertheless, I am in a time of emotional hardship.

Forgotten Promise

I think it’s interesting that we can be where God wants us to be while not becoming who God wants us to be. I also think that the latter is more important. Today I’m in a lowly place. I’ve been zoned out most of the day. I’ve accomplished the tasks of the day, but my mind is somewhere else. As I spent time with Peanut tonight, I wasn’t myself. He even asked me if I had a headache. I didn’t.
Last night God reminded me of a promise I had made to Him. I was abandoning it. I had forgotten. The pleasures of the world had been blinding me and I didn’t know the difference. It should come as no surprise to me that I walked off the path. I took my eyes off the guide. Like Peter drowning in the waves, I took my eyes off my savior and I lost track of where I was and what I was doing. I forfeited my prayer time, Bible reading time, and worship time for house work, job searching, socialization, and sleep. Seemingly harmless things, but what is their purpose without the things I had to give up? What is my purpose without them? I don’t have one. So it should be no surprise that I lost sight of a promise I had made to God. It should be no surprise that my efforts to advance the gospel are frustrating at best. It should be no surprise that I am not the man God wants me to be.

Prayer of Saint Francis and me

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.