Refocus Reset Reshape

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6

I reflect on this verse a lot.  In fact, it is my life verse, at least until my heart is ready for a new one.  When I wander around my grandfather's house I see it everywhere.  On his desk, on his workbench, on post-it notes.  It is obvious that he meditated on it every day.  I saw him live it out though.  I think that's why it's my favorite verse. 

This spring has been a test of faith.  And by that I mean it has been very stressful.  A house that is sitting empty and not selling; paying to live in a house that's not mine in Muskegon; and plunging deep into debt.   Granted, it's debt that will be gone once the house sells, but in the meantime it makes me very uncomfortable. 

I knew I'd lose everything.  This verse was on my heart when I decided to come to Muskegon.  It's not my own "understanding" or wisdom to leave my friends behind and lose all my money to come to a town I despised when I left it 9 years ago so that I can get paid pennies.  It's not about me though, it's about how God wants me to serve Him.  So he made my path clear.  But I'm not going to romanticize the outcomes of this decision for you.  I'm not going to say that every day is so amazing because I chose to serve God with my life.  It's crazy hard.  Full of discouragement and heartache.  But know that I wholeheartedly believe it's worth it.  When I'm laying on my deathbed someday,  would I have more joy saying I had a big TV and nice shoes, or that I allowed myself to be used by God to make a difference in people's lives? 

Yet, sometimes the discouragements, stresses, and drains of other people, finances, and my own personal failures can easily distract me from my purposes in ministry.  It is distracting from my own walk with the Lord, and when that falters, the ministry quickly follows.  Ministry can so quickly fall into a directionless attempt to just get past the next Sunday or Wednesday.  That is why I'm very excitedly taking a sabbatical for the month of June.  My time will be spent memorizing large portions of scripture, taking long walks with Jesus, and hashing out a new vision for youth ministry for the new school year.  My phone will be shut off for large portions of these weeks.  It's time I make my relationship with God more important than my ministry and my relationships.  

In the end, the things I accomplish, the things I sacrifice, none of that matters more than loving God.  It's actually all just garbage if I don't love God more.  The Bible compares it to used menstrual clothes.  He wants me, just me, infinitely more than he wants my offerings and sacrifices.  So I am going to my "desert" for a while to be with God. 

Iron Sharpens Iron: Where Do I Find More Iron?

My heart is so heavy these days.  People that care about me take notice and ask why I am down.  That's not an easy question to answer.  I squeeze out part of an answer, but a complete explanation evades me.  I've thought a lot about it myself, and I feel like I've come to a few conclusions.  

There are plenty of things in life on the surface that are very easy to blame.  The weather discourages me greatly.  My chronic cough is equally discouraging.  Being behind on my bills is hard.  The ministry is tough.  The list goes on, but I'll cut it off there because my intent is not to complain.  Sure, if none of these things were true my heart would be less heavy; but they are not the true reason.   

I know the answer to what brings joy regardless of circumstances; regardless of the weather, sickness, and financial hardships.  A passionate, zealous, and earnest pursuit of God based on an extravagant love of Christ.  That's what brings complete joy.  I know this to be true from John 15 and, my favorite book, Philippians.  Paul said he has learned the "secret" to being content in every situation.  That word appears nowhere else in scripture; how mysterious. 

I am not satisfied with the deepness of my relationship with God.  In fact, it has been more intimate at times in the past than it is now.  It's not from a lack of desire.  I want more than anything to be as close to God as I possibly can while I'm still in this earthly body.  So I look back to the times when I have felt the closest to my savior and examine them for clues.  The common denominator I found was being surrounded by people who were seeking the same thing.  Iron sharpens iron.  I look to the Bible and I see people working in pairs.  Jesus sends them out in pairs.  Paul had ministry partners.  Edifying each other, building each other up, growing together.  Do you know what happens when you spread apart the logs in a fire?  A log on its own will likely go out. 

A passion for Jesus Christ and his mission will not be sustained on its own.  The reason I have a heavy heart is because no one around me is passionate, I mean really passionate, about following Christ.  No one is willing to follow him with reckless abandon.  No one is willing to lay down their own plans for their life to be where God wants them.  No one is willing to give up everything they have to see God's will done.  No one is willing to love God so much that, in comparison, their family relationships look like hate.  Jesus really said that's how much we need to love Him.

There's got to be someone.  Someone who shares my vision.  Someone who God has in store to partner in ministry with me.  That is my prayer.  Would you join with me in praying that God would send someone to sharpen my faith?  

Seasons

Seasons come and seasons go.  As I look outside and see that my beloved summer is just a memory, I remember that It's also a hope.  The changing of seasons is a constant.  The one that is here now will be gone in 3 months.  That's encouraging to hear now and a depressing thought in June.  Some of you may disagree, and I won't judge you; in fact, I've learned to appreciate winter. 

Change isn't unique to the weather.  I like to use the word "seasons" to refer to different periods of time in my life and the circumstances God has placed me in.  I did "this" for a season, or I was "there" for a season.  The perspective this gives me is both terrifying and hopeful.  If I say that this part of my life is a season of life, then I'm suggesting that my circumstances will change at some point.  Whether life is great or full of tribulation, change is coming.  Change is terrifying and hopeful.  When you lay your life down to follow Jesus, allowing yourself to be led by the spirit, change is sure. 

It seems fitting that the season outside is changing as I ponder the changing season in my life.  A few months ago the Spirit's direction was clear that a move was coming.  I began a grieving process as I said goodbye to a season of life.  It was time to jump in to the ministry in Muskegon with both feet.  That's a nervous prospect.  I've never sold a house before, and I would be moving away from most of my friends.  Could this be a new season of learning to be alone? or a season of new found friendships?  Time will tell, but I know that whatever the season, it's the one God has in store for me. 

8 years ago I left Muskegon excited to never live there again.  In one week I move my things back to the very place I despised,  and I'm excited?  It's true.  God has given me a love for this place.  Oh, how it needs Jesus.  I need Jesus too.  Everyday.  We have a new found commonality, and If that's all we have in common, then that's enough.  

This is my farewell to a city I will always love.  Grand Rapids, it's been real.  

A change in vision: Love God

Hello friends! 

As you may know, I live in downtown Grand Rapids.  Let me start with a recap of that experience.  2 years ago I felt very strongly that the Lord was calling me to move into the heart of the city.  I wanted the house to be a ministry that loved the neighborhood and loved on the neighborhood and spoke the truth of Jesus Christ in the neighborhood.  I decided to purchase a house because it made more sense than renting.  As soon as I walked in the door of my house for the first time I knew that it was the house God had for this.  It just felt right.  We prayed over it and I moved in.  And then... it was tough, it was hard, it was discouraging, it was lonely.  Have you ever been lonely in a group of people?  At times I felt alone in my vision.  People came and went through my house and I was always in good company, but only 1 other person was ever pumped about reaching the neighborhood, and neither of us are gifted at initiating contact with people.   There were pieces of the puzzle that God never provided.  And it was seemingly unfruitful.  And it was discouraging.  

As I sit here and look back on the last 2 years I have begun to see that I was looking for fruit in the wrong place.  That, all the while, God was using the house to help the 9 different people that have lived there, including myself, and many people that walked through the door.   I can't speak for the others, but God used the house to change me, to challenge me, to stretch me, and to teach me not to idolize "ministry".  Ministry is not the goal, loving God with all your heart is the goal; ministry is an outpouring of that love.  He taught me the hard way that idolizing ministry will leave you feeling defeated when it doesn't work the way you had planned.  But when we love God with all our heart, then all our hope is in Christ and Him alone.  If all of our joy is in Christ, then we won't have any less joy when things (even ministry) don't go as planned.  In fact, Romans 5 says that because of this we can rejoice in our sufferings because they produce perseverance. 

Then... God led me to a youth pastor position in Muskegon.  As I got more and more involved in Muskegon I began to really question why God had me move into Grand Rapids in the first place.  It was, as it seemed, a short unfruitful ministry that I was abandoning.  Then He tells me things like "it's okay, trust me. it's not your ministry, it's my ministry.  It's bigger than you. You need to let go."  I don't know what God's going to do through that house, but I know he's going to do great things and I'm not going to be there for it, and I'm okay with that.  I've let go.  I'm in a transition period where I'm praying and seeking the Lord's direction, but I am exploring the possibility of moving to Muskegon.   I spent a couple of weeks actually mourning the decision until I was able to detach myself from my house and my vision for it, in order to realign myself with God's vision.  I think it's really important to be in the same community as the church you're involved in.  There are a lot of pieces that I am trusting God to put into place here, so I greatly covet your prayers.  

Unexpected

As I sat here in this dimly lit coffee shop, drowning out the chatter of students slaving over their textbooks with music from my over-sized phone, I began to zone out into a world of introspection.  How did I get to this place?  Not this coffee shop overrun with hipsters, but this place in life.  (As a side note, I came here recently and someone was actually typing on a typewriter.  This place is the real deal.  If you find yourself in a heated game of hipster bingo, this is your treasure trove.  It’s like a small exclave of Easttown.  Nevertheless, when Tim Horton’s opened up a hop skip and a jump away, The Bitter End’s position at the top of my favorite GR coffee shops list was conquered. For now, Redolencia holds the top spot in the state) I often get lost in thought about God’s plans and how different they've always been from my own.  If you jumped into a time machine and journeyed back in time, stopping at various points to tell me what I’m doing in 2012, I would have laughed at you, or if I believed you I would have been quite grieved.  The further you go back the more concerned I would be.  As a senior in high school I planned to be a veterinarian by now, married with kids.  None of these things are true, but I’m pretty happy about that.  The place that I’m at now wasn't even the plan a month ago.  God blindsided me with a youth pastor position.  Like a T-bone collision of divine planning just weeks after I decided on a starkly different path.  I’ve evolved into a creature that thrives when the creator leads me to the unexpected.  As I sit here in the unexpected, I look back over the fence into the expected, like a second timeline of Nate’s life, and it looks pretty dull.

Solitude

As I look at my blog I realize that it’s been a very long time since I've written anything here.  A lot has changed since then, but I wont take the time and space to catch everyone up, because if you read this blog you probably know what I've been up to.  If not, then just ask. 

As I type this I am sitting in a coffee shop.  One of the things I crave is solitude.  It’s a hard thing to come by living in a house full of people.  I've come to love going to the cheap theater by myself.  I used to see people alone at the movies and I felt bad for them; that was before I tried it and realized how enjoyable it was.  Not long ago I got to spend 24 hours at a cabin by myself.  I read a lot, prayed a lot, and slept a lot, and it was absolutely wonderful.  It allowed me to deal with a lot that I needed to deal with, but it wasn't a one time fix, I need more.  My emotions have been very difficult to deal with in the past couple months.  The cause is a combination of many things including relationships, financial instability, and an unfruitful ministry.  The truth is that I need God desperately, and I feel closer to him when I am by myself.  God has revealed to me part of his plan for my future and I am very excited about that, but it has come out of a season of relentless discouragement.  Even after being given this vision, I am still extremely discouraged and stressed.  I really struggle with things in my mind.  I struggle with inadequacy.  I feel inadequate to do ministry; inadequate to provide for myself financially; inadequate to be a good role model; inadequate to be a good friend.  I know that it’s lies from the pit, but it is so hard not to believe them.  God I need you in my life so desperately.  

When The Going Gets Tough

If your only glimpse into my life has been this blog, then you probably thought I fell off the earth for a few months. Sorry about that. From a blogging perspective my life just hasn't been that interesting. It's been fairly interesting to live it, but it wouldn't be that interesting to read about it. I guess that's mostly because I like to write about good news and exciting things that happen in my life, and those have been few and far between.

I don't know if anyone reads this thing, but it doesn't really matter. I just need to write. I've been so discouraged by countless things in the past few months. I try to seek out the positive and hang on for dear life, but sometimes I start to lose my grip. As a discipline in my life I thank God for the day and for his immeasurable grace in my life every time I pray. Knowing that every day is a blessing and that I don't deserve to live another minute (but still do) helps me get through the day. It seems like I work so hard at something and get nowhere, which makes me question whether what I'm doing is even worth it. I know it's a lie that the devil tells me; but that doesn't make it any less discouraging. I know deep down that the time I have invested in the Lord's kingdom work will not have been in vain. I long for those days when I get to see the truth behind that. In some cases I may never see it, and I must be satisfied with just the faith I made a difference. When I do see it it means the world to me. A couple weeks ago I had a camper (whom I've been praying for these 6 years) reconnect with me and tell me that I impacted his life. It's those moments that bring the most joy. Sometimes I ask myself, would I do it even if I knew those moments weren't coming? Would I continue the work if it was made known to me that I would never know the result of my toil? I hope so. Why? Because the true reward is on the other side. When I see Jesus face-to-face it wont matter a bit if I got to witness my own fruitfulness. Nevertheless, I am in a time of emotional hardship.