Unexpected

As I sat here in this dimly lit coffee shop, drowning out the chatter of students slaving over their textbooks with music from my over-sized phone, I began to zone out into a world of introspection.  How did I get to this place?  Not this coffee shop overrun with hipsters, but this place in life.  (As a side note, I came here recently and someone was actually typing on a typewriter.  This place is the real deal.  If you find yourself in a heated game of hipster bingo, this is your treasure trove.  It’s like a small exclave of Easttown.  Nevertheless, when Tim Horton’s opened up a hop skip and a jump away, The Bitter End’s position at the top of my favorite GR coffee shops list was conquered. For now, Redolencia holds the top spot in the state) I often get lost in thought about God’s plans and how different they've always been from my own.  If you jumped into a time machine and journeyed back in time, stopping at various points to tell me what I’m doing in 2012, I would have laughed at you, or if I believed you I would have been quite grieved.  The further you go back the more concerned I would be.  As a senior in high school I planned to be a veterinarian by now, married with kids.  None of these things are true, but I’m pretty happy about that.  The place that I’m at now wasn't even the plan a month ago.  God blindsided me with a youth pastor position.  Like a T-bone collision of divine planning just weeks after I decided on a starkly different path.  I’ve evolved into a creature that thrives when the creator leads me to the unexpected.  As I sit here in the unexpected, I look back over the fence into the expected, like a second timeline of Nate’s life, and it looks pretty dull.

Solitude

As I look at my blog I realize that it’s been a very long time since I've written anything here.  A lot has changed since then, but I wont take the time and space to catch everyone up, because if you read this blog you probably know what I've been up to.  If not, then just ask. 

As I type this I am sitting in a coffee shop.  One of the things I crave is solitude.  It’s a hard thing to come by living in a house full of people.  I've come to love going to the cheap theater by myself.  I used to see people alone at the movies and I felt bad for them; that was before I tried it and realized how enjoyable it was.  Not long ago I got to spend 24 hours at a cabin by myself.  I read a lot, prayed a lot, and slept a lot, and it was absolutely wonderful.  It allowed me to deal with a lot that I needed to deal with, but it wasn't a one time fix, I need more.  My emotions have been very difficult to deal with in the past couple months.  The cause is a combination of many things including relationships, financial instability, and an unfruitful ministry.  The truth is that I need God desperately, and I feel closer to him when I am by myself.  God has revealed to me part of his plan for my future and I am very excited about that, but it has come out of a season of relentless discouragement.  Even after being given this vision, I am still extremely discouraged and stressed.  I really struggle with things in my mind.  I struggle with inadequacy.  I feel inadequate to do ministry; inadequate to provide for myself financially; inadequate to be a good role model; inadequate to be a good friend.  I know that it’s lies from the pit, but it is so hard not to believe them.  God I need you in my life so desperately.  

When The Going Gets Tough

If your only glimpse into my life has been this blog, then you probably thought I fell off the earth for a few months. Sorry about that. From a blogging perspective my life just hasn't been that interesting. It's been fairly interesting to live it, but it wouldn't be that interesting to read about it. I guess that's mostly because I like to write about good news and exciting things that happen in my life, and those have been few and far between.

I don't know if anyone reads this thing, but it doesn't really matter. I just need to write. I've been so discouraged by countless things in the past few months. I try to seek out the positive and hang on for dear life, but sometimes I start to lose my grip. As a discipline in my life I thank God for the day and for his immeasurable grace in my life every time I pray. Knowing that every day is a blessing and that I don't deserve to live another minute (but still do) helps me get through the day. It seems like I work so hard at something and get nowhere, which makes me question whether what I'm doing is even worth it. I know it's a lie that the devil tells me; but that doesn't make it any less discouraging. I know deep down that the time I have invested in the Lord's kingdom work will not have been in vain. I long for those days when I get to see the truth behind that. In some cases I may never see it, and I must be satisfied with just the faith I made a difference. When I do see it it means the world to me. A couple weeks ago I had a camper (whom I've been praying for these 6 years) reconnect with me and tell me that I impacted his life. It's those moments that bring the most joy. Sometimes I ask myself, would I do it even if I knew those moments weren't coming? Would I continue the work if it was made known to me that I would never know the result of my toil? I hope so. Why? Because the true reward is on the other side. When I see Jesus face-to-face it wont matter a bit if I got to witness my own fruitfulness. Nevertheless, I am in a time of emotional hardship.