I am in a very strange mood right now. I'm not really sure how to explain it. I am feeling so many conflicting emotions. Maybe it's just that I need sleep.
Part of me is excited, grateful, and happy. But at the same time I am sad, discouraged, angry, and broken.
-I am excited for camp. I have a great feeling about this summer, I know that God will do amazing works in people's lives and I am pumped about being a part of that.
-I am grateful that Jesus smashed my heart... and then sewed it back together to look more like His
-and I am happy (for lack of a more appropriate word) because I had a great talk with my Mormon missionary friends today (no, I am not Mormon, I just like to talk to the Mormons)
I am sad, discouraged, and angry because we live in a fallen world and it SUCKS. The devil and his schemes are powerful and tricky. He is always throwing his arrows at me and trying to get me to fall. It seems like something new everyday. I am thankful I have a greater weapon... I just wish I was diligent enough to practice with it more often so I don't look like a bumbling fool when I try and use it.
These emotions come and go... or like tonight, all come at the same time. Yet there is another emotion that I did not mention. I did not put it with the others because I don't think it is actually an emotion. As I have said before, joy is a mindset, it is a choice. Being an opposite of joy, bitterness is likewise a mindset and a choice.
Everyday I fight off the bitterness. It seems to be my default mindset.
I don't want to be bitter. Yet, every morning, I wake up with bitterness trying to fill my thoughts. Everyday I stop myself and say "no, there is a better way".
It's not that I'm bitter at one particular person; no, that would be too easy to solve. If you know me well enough, you could probably guess where my bitterness comes from. I just can't stand American Christians. I could go on and on, but you've probably heard it. Christians in this country are pansies. Sometimes when the bitterness takes control, I don't even want to call myself a Christian out of shame. Not because I'm ashamed of Jesus, no no... I would die for Him in a heart beat. But because I'm ashamed to be associated with Christians in America. Now you know the inner struggle of Nate Storvik.
It is a struggle because I know it's not right. We are not called to be bitter, we are called to love. There is hope yet for the church in America, I am not about to give up on it. Everyday when I wake up I have to choose peace, love, and joy; only with these can things be made right... bitterness will solve nothing. It is a scheme of the devil to inspire hate.
2 comments:
thanks for posting this. I go through this all the time and especially post-traveling outside of the U.S. and it's nice to know i'm not alone. It's during the times of confusion and bitterness i find myself closest to God.
Praying. Praying. Praying.
I agree that American Christians are pansies! Too many Christians view Christianity as a "part" of their lives rather than the whole of their lives. They pull out prayer or verses when an opportunity to evangelize comes along and then gently fold it up and put it into their back pocket until the next time, forgetting that the way we live our lives is a HUGE testimony (obviously the Gospel is of utmost importance, but who is going to want to listen to the guy that flipped you off in the work parking lot last Tuesday proclaim the Gospel?) Being a Jesus follower means laying it on the line ALL THE TIME...EVERYWHERE...IN ALL HUMILITY!!
Bah! I hear ya! I suppose all you can do is do what you do and let God do what He does. It's tough to let it go, but it's an incredible opportunity to trust God.
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