Solitude

As I look at my blog I realize that it’s been a very long time since I've written anything here.  A lot has changed since then, but I wont take the time and space to catch everyone up, because if you read this blog you probably know what I've been up to.  If not, then just ask. 

As I type this I am sitting in a coffee shop.  One of the things I crave is solitude.  It’s a hard thing to come by living in a house full of people.  I've come to love going to the cheap theater by myself.  I used to see people alone at the movies and I felt bad for them; that was before I tried it and realized how enjoyable it was.  Not long ago I got to spend 24 hours at a cabin by myself.  I read a lot, prayed a lot, and slept a lot, and it was absolutely wonderful.  It allowed me to deal with a lot that I needed to deal with, but it wasn't a one time fix, I need more.  My emotions have been very difficult to deal with in the past couple months.  The cause is a combination of many things including relationships, financial instability, and an unfruitful ministry.  The truth is that I need God desperately, and I feel closer to him when I am by myself.  God has revealed to me part of his plan for my future and I am very excited about that, but it has come out of a season of relentless discouragement.  Even after being given this vision, I am still extremely discouraged and stressed.  I really struggle with things in my mind.  I struggle with inadequacy.  I feel inadequate to do ministry; inadequate to provide for myself financially; inadequate to be a good role model; inadequate to be a good friend.  I know that it’s lies from the pit, but it is so hard not to believe them.  God I need you in my life so desperately.